Goodbye 37
Hello to the dream? Maybe?
Hey there lovely people, it has definitely been a while (to the point that I started writing this in email format!)! I do hope all is well with you! Do let me know in the comments!
You may or may not know that it is my birthday tomorrow and birthdays are always a time of celebration for me, as I never thought that I would live beyond 30! And as some of you know my birthdays haven’t always been great!
I started my birthday last year in a deep depression which got so bad that I wasn’t able to able to care for my cat and she ended up dying. I don’t feel that I will ever forgive myself, however I do see why it wasn’t quite my fault! I miss her so much and just within the last week, I have been finally able to talk about her without crying and to be able to laugh about the nonsense that she and her sister Tia would get up to!
Last year, despite doing so much work on myself, I was still deeply insecure and desperately seeking connection, that I sought it in all the wrong places. Even after doing all the self development work and therapy that I could, it just felt like nothing was working, but you can’t do this in isolation! Which was were I was plus we are currently living in the upside down, it really felt impossible to build connection with others!
I decided right after my birthday to isolate myself, I know what you are thinking, “that’s a hell of a bad idea” but I do believe it was necessary to see who really loved and cared about me and who was just here to take what they can get. It revealed a lot about people who I honestly thought was my friend!
I really struggled to breathe last year, much less respond to texts and someone who I thought was a friend finally blocked me after I responded that I had been struggling with my mental health. Her emotional avoidance and abandonment issues made her think that I was abandoning her, whilst I was literally just trying to stay alive!
In the time that I was struggling with my mental health, I recognised that I didn’t really have friends, I had people who would use me as an emotional dumping ground or an emotional punching bag because these people refused to process their emotions and this is where I learned about those who are emotionally avoidant.
They are not narcissists, however their inability to process their emotions and avoidance to them, can make them appear to be so. I have to say learning about this group of people, helped me see that not everyone is a narcissist (I still don’t think that the word is used enough but that is for another day!) however there are people that should not be and can not be in our life, due to their own personal limitations.
In my understanding of these people, I learnt to look after and prioritise myself, without exception. I distanced myself from people who didn’t listen to me, who wanted to stay in toxic bubbles, who used spirituality as a crutch to be a victim but simultaneously toxically positive.
It’s been a helluva year, but I think that I finally found my core, my wants, needs, likes, dislikes and of course they can change, but the core me, that never got to be, time and time over from a child.
I learned that I can not do many things at once, that I need routine, that I am different to others and have very different needs, that I am a good friend, I even discovered or unearthed my love for art, doodling and handwriting. I learned to listen to my needs and ask for help and keep asking until I got it.
I haven’t written on this substack because I was too caught up in noise, other peoples opinions, other peoples mouths and bullshit that didn’t concern me at all. I can not save the world and it’s absolutely not my responsibility!
I also just don’t have the time! Looking after me is a full time job!
I haven’t been on social media in months, including instagram, which will be a year in november and I have absolutely zero desire to go back. I doubt that I ever will. One of the things that I wanted to do for my 37th birthday was to be in the present, to experience people in real life, to see the complexity in people and see all the colours that we may be.
It made me think a lot about the political cults and cults in general and how easy it is for us to get caught up in an ideology because we all want to belong. It is a literal human need to belong, but we need to ‘belong’ in places that nurture us, care about us, respect us, spaces that create safety and most importantly authenticity. If we can’t be ourselves, why are we even there?
This question was tough to answer when I didn’t even know what an authentic version of myself was. Finding that person is where your story begins, that’s what 37 done for me, it was fucking tough, but I’m leaving 37 full of hope, faith and hoping that maybe my dreams may come true, welcome 38 x
Hope to substack with you guys soon x
If you would like to send me a gift you can do so via this link: https://linktr.ee/Nickaology
https://www.paypal.me/NickaLoves
https://www.amazon.co.uk/hz/wishlist/ls/1827BI1AIJQI9?ref_=wl_share
Nicka! So glad to hear from you. Happy birthday! Do you still use CashApp?